Bible Archie Comics And Other Archie Abominations

http://comicsalliance.com/archie-christian-comics/

 

I love the way people are losing their nut over 'Archie' comics these days. First we have an interracial relationship and then they are introducing their first gay character (cue the bonfires). Of all the comic books to be described as 'edgy', 'Archie' is the last one I would think of. What does this all mean? Is it finally okay to support the gay and mixed marriages now that they have been given 'Archie's' stamp of approval?

 

 

I have this vision of parents all over the country searching their kid's rooms for the offending issues and tossing them out. Sure the kid can keep his collection of 'Guns and Ammo' but that 'Archie' smut has to go.

In the past I have made no secrets of my hatred for this comic. It is harmless but just has always bothered me. It has essentially been the same story for the past 40 years. The characters are the same, the situations are the same, and the humor is the same - no growth, no change, no development. Occasionally they will get all hip and do a story that shows a character listening to something as cutting edge as a 'Walkman'.
 

Veronica is a bitch and Betty is nuttier than that chick in 'Twilight' who would rather be in love with a guy who makes her feel like shit than to find someone who doesn't do that.

If you only read 'Archie' comics I will give criticizing you a pass. You don't know any better and you are probably a girl. However, if you have read even ONE other title that isn't 'Archie related then there is NO EXCUSE good enough to explain your actions. You should know that what you are reading is crap and you should expect more from your comic bocks.
 

Hell even 'Richie Rich' or any of those Harvey comics are better and they never change either.

 

Now this issue could be sexy and bloody and totally unlike the usual pap that Archie feeds us every month. How dare they tease me with the promise to see Veronica in the Vampirella costume as we all know it from the comics.

Betty should be wearing a pencil skirt and high boots while hunting the undead. Also I can only surmise from the look on Betty's face that she is gooned on crystal meth and only thinks she sees vampires everywhere. Now THAT would be a good story. Stupid Archie comics.

 

My sister used to read all the 'Archies' that she could get her hands on especially those digests that they sell at the grocery store check-out. In fact she married a guy who like Jughead has a tapeworm. How else can he eat that much and never gain any weight?

When I was a kid I got forced to go to 'bible camp' every summer for a week. I did that three years in a row. It was fun to camp but all that Jeebus stuff got to be annoying.

One day we were bored and helped clean out the mess hall. As a reward, the priest gave us a stack of comics. Sure they were all Archie comics but who was I to complain? I was getting to do something I liked to do (read comics) under a nice shade tree in the forest.

 

However, these were not ordinary 'Archie' comics. They were BIBLE ARCHIES!!!. Every couple of pages the characters made sure to shovel in some religious balloon juice. I felt betrayed and manipulated and tossed away the comic I was reading in disgust.

 

Not only was this Christian themed but it has a really creepy old west look to it. Like the only thing the west needed to be 'civilized was more Christian Bookstores. Gah, this stuff is so over the top. And we ALL know that the only reason Archie got the bookstore opened was so that he could also get Betty's petticoat opened. Look at her googly eyes. She might just let Sheriff Archie hold her hand at the barn dance tonight.

 

That night as the bonfire burned I took that stack of comics and added them to the fire. Quite a bold gesture in front of all the holy rollers. That priest looked at me like I had sacrificed the baby Jeebus himself to the flames. But to me the madness had to be stopped and I stopped it there.